Tonight I begged the Goddess to save my Gran, if there is any way possible. I still can't let go. I don't want to let go. Her breathing is getting shallower and shallower. I don't know what to do without her. I don't think I can go to Goodwill without her anymore. I went to a Goodwill today, but one I never went to with Gran. If I have a girl I think I'll name her Verlene, or Lois. Something to honor my Gran. I can't stand to lose her. It's killing me inside. My hear feels like it's shutting down. Right now, it's not real. I'm the only person she talked to earlier today. I told her, "Gran, I'm going to go take my last drug test today," she suddenly whisperd, "Okay." and I said "I love you Gran." and she responded "I love you too." If those are the last words I hear from my Gran they're amazing and I'm happy I got to hear them. It's still not enought though, not at all. I don't want her to go. I still need her. And if I ever need someone to help me she's no longer there. I can't handle it. =[ I want to cut myself open and rip my sould out, my heart, my lungs, everything. My Gran, I called her Mom, she is my mother in a way. Sometimes the only one I could turn to, but others the one who would push me away. It's hard to live this way, painful moment after moment. Tears are holding themselves back. I just can't let them out right now. I just can't let myself cry over what has yet to happen. Inevitable. The word of doom. Inevitable. There's still hope, I won't condemn her. I don't want to condemn her. My Gran said something funny the other day, about my pregnancy/pregnancy scare/not sure. She said, "See, I told you men will get you nothing but trouble." I wish everything was just as it was. I wish it was years ago. I wish a lot of things but mostly for Gran to live. I blame myslef, I should have done more, but I was too selfish. I should have use more power, more love, and more majick. I think I'm going to get sick. I just can't handle all of this.
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